standing at hell's entrance

well, i survived.. most of it at least.
what i wasn't counting on is that on january i will be.. not, i'm confident i won't be alone. i know i have great friends to take care of me. but i'll be without him.
living without him, ha, already am actually.
and it's not going so fantastic. it preety much sucks.
maybe it's just a bad day. maybe i will be able to sleep. maybe i'll even stop dreaming about him. maybe i'll find the strenght to go on with my plans, maybe it'll be the greatest month ever.
somehow, i just don't quite think so.
being more realistic.. maybe i'll be strong enough to just make it trough the days, one by one.

or maybe not.

and i wake up alone

.

It's okay in the day I'm staying busy

Tied up enough so I don't have to wonder where is he

Got so sick of crying

So just lately

When I catch myself I do a 180

.

I stay up clean the house

At least I'm not drinking

Run around just so I don't have to think about thinking

That silent sense of content

That everyone gets

Just disappears soon as the sun sets

.

This face in my dreams seizes my guts

He floods me with dread

Soaked in soul

He swims in my eyes by the bed

Pour myself over him

Moon spilling in

And I wake up alone

.

If I was my heart I'd rather be restless

The second I stop the sleep catches up and I'm breathless

This ache in my chest

As my day is done now

The dark covers me and I cannot run now

.

My blood running cold I stand before him

It's all I can do to assure him

When he comes to me I drip for him tonight

Drowning in me we bathe under blue light

.

His face in my dreams seizes my guts

He floods me with dread

Soaked in soul

He swims in my eyes by the bed

Pour myself over him

Moon spilling in

And I wake up alone

Como gasto papeles recordandote
como me haces hablar en el silencio,
como no te me quitas de las ganas
aunque nadie me vea nunca contigo.
Y como pasa el tiempo que, de pronto, son años
sin pasar tú por mí, detenida.
Te doy una canción si abro una puerta
y de la sombra sales tú.
Te doy una canción de madrugada,
cuando más quiero tú luz.
Te doy una canción cuándo apareces
el misterio del amor,
y si no lo apareces, no me importa:
yo te doy una canción.
Si miro un poco afuera, me detengo:
la ciudad se derrumba y yo cantando.
La gente que me odia y que me quiere
no me va a perdonar que me distraiga.
Creen que lo digo todo, que me juego la vida,
porque no te conocen ni te sienten.
Te doy una canción y hago un discurso
sobre mi derecho a hablar
te doy una canción con mis dos manos
con las mismas de matar.
Te doy una canción y digo patria
y sigo hablando para ti.
Te doy una canción como un disparo
como un libro, una palabra, una guerrilla
como doy el amor.

all in all, she does has a point.
i do have various things to enjoy and happy and blah blah
he is being quite a good boy tonight
still, i can't deal with, you know, he having any kind of a life
which makes me preety much an evil cancer.
and i .. hell it doesn't even ocurrs me to actually enjoy any of them.
there's just no perspective. no horizon
there's just a big empty hole in front of me
have i brought it on to myself? i really, really don't think so.
is not like i.. fucking asked for it so badly i finally got all the misery so i can complain happyly.

SHEET it's really good i don't have a gun.

we see everyone else's sheet so clearly.

but what the fuck am i thinking?!

how great is fantasy-life?
i mean i am exactly where i want to
being the most popular girl
all my friends are there, and they're so cool.
there's a zillon boys to be chased by,
until my beautiful girl picks me up for lunch.
he's there, and after freaking out completly
(wasn't it about time?)
he finally realizes the huge mistake he's made in cutting me off his life.
i am walking around, gourgeous off course,
and my friends run towards me and hug me
and he just stares, as i greet him with my eyes.
i get out, and there are the rest of my friends,
with a good drink and sparckling one and singing the songs.
and i just sit there, drink and smoke and take my camera
and take the portraits of the future of art and politics at their highest.
and my friends move to town, and summer was just perfect
and then she arrives looking breath-taking as ever
kisses me and smiles
i wave godbye to my wonderful friends and hold her hand
and we walk towards that preety park-side cafe,
where we have cheese cake and champagne for lunch.

well isn't this great?

december-fobia

claro, claro
el tema es que estamos en diciembre
entendes? 1 de diciembre
y es diciembre. estan las fiestas
esta fin de año
esta el fucking 22
la gente con vacaciones, las fiestas de fin de año
la euforia y todo eso
pero es un mes tan explosivo
tan definitívo y definitório
y aunque tengo todo armado para el año que viene, y eso ayuda pila
no sé
es diciembre. es impredecible
si todo se mantiene, es probable que pueda soportar enero
a huevo y amigos y buena onda y buenas vibras
y demases si es necesario
pero a enero hay que llegar.
y diciembre suele ser un mes de acciónes. de eventos.
y si pasa algo? eh?
que carajo hago? dónde me meto?
es cierto, tengo apoyos. y buenos.
pero en momentos en los que pasa algo, es grave la cosa
en diciembre, si diciembre se manda alguna de las suyas...
quien me ataja?

creo que voy a necesitar suerte además de paciencia.

clueless (not)

it's a great movie (i think we can all agree on that...)
but it's not the right word.
i'm not clueless (what, you thought it was going to be about anything else but me? please)
i'm not. i know where i stand. and where i want to go.
i just don't quite have it. or know how to get it.
but it doesn't seems imposible. it actually seems as if it could happen at any minute.
well, not really. but kind off.
like i could meet someone and just.. be right.
and i could handle other things and adjust.
and make it work. i could.
it'll just take a little time.
and i have stuff to fill my day with in the mean time.
and the summer and all. ooh gosh, the summer.
a topic for another day.
thing is, even thou everything's a big fat mess.
because it is a big fat mess. there's no point in denying i'm a fucked up.
and the whole fake relationships issue, and the non-getting-over and the longings
i'm not clueless. i know what i want.
wow that's a first (almost)

dear, all we need is just a little patience.